There's Nothing Like a Good Shvitz

While the memory/nightmare is still lurid, I thought I'd take this opportunity to tell you about my most recent excursion to the Russian bathhouse. I wish I had taken a picture but I was so traumatized by the experience I missed the chance to immortalize my terror on film.

It started off on the right foot. I had been waiting to spend an afternoon at the legendary (well, at least in Dnepropetrovsk) Tsunami spa. My husband Jonathan was here for the week and I figured this was a good time to bring out the big guns and really show him what living large was all about in Ukraine.

There is an entrance fee to use the facility and “administration” scanned our bracelets each time we ordered a service, some of which cost extra. The carte du jour was endless… honey scrubs, Japanese soaks, milk and champagne baths, Turkish massage, aromatherapy hot tubs, plunge pools and more. We eased into it with an hour long foot massage while swinging from a hammock seat in the dark. I think it was the new age music and nature scenes on the big screen that put Jonathan to sleep so I let him choose the next service; we were off for a sauna!

The choices of saunas were equally diverse, offering both wet (steam) and dry. We opted for the traditional Russian banyas which involves steam, heat, cold and an “invigorating beating” with a venik or broom made of birch branches and leaves where the heat is gathered. The sauna reaches 60% humidity and 180 degrees Fahrenheit. I like to refer to this portion of the afternoon as hell. For roughly 6 minutes and $7, a short, hairless (and sometimes naked) Russian man with a pointy felt hat did the following to me:

• prepared a herbal foot soak for me, why I don't know
• escorted me into the sauna and laid me face down on the top bench
• Flogged me with the birch broom (the “invigorating beating”)
• pressed and held the heated broom to all areas of my body

I stopped him before he had a chance to get to my arms because I couldn't take another minute. I had reached my maximum pain and sweat thresh hold. I could barely stand and he basically had to carry me out. He threw me in the shower and washed off the leaves. My head was spinning and I was overjoyed to be done but was instead guided to a small room with a snow making machine. It was -7 degrees Celsius, snowing and I was barefoot in a bathing suit. The little man rubbed snow all over my body but I was happy as a clam to be out of that sauna. Next, he eased me into a freezing cold plunge pool and that’s where things took a turn for the worse. I could not breathe and I’m pretty sure my heart stopped beating for at least three seconds. Jonathan spent the next 15 minutes trying to keep me from hyperventilating.

The banyas are a timeless Russian tradition; there is evidence of their existence on the vast territories occupied by the Slavic people before the creation of the Russian states. The word banyas derives from the Latin balneum which means to “chase out pain.” Health benefits including improved blood circulation, eliminating toxins from the body and an increase in oxygen levels, metabolism, red blood cells and haemoglobin count have been subject to centuries of debate including by Aristotle and Hypocrites. Traditionally the banyas were a means for all Russians, from Tzars to peasants, to cleanse themselves and remains popular today for family fun and relaxation.

Personally, I didn’t feel quite right again until the next day but plenty of water and a glass of wine helped. Participating in this unique Russian tradition was unforgettable and I recommend it to anyone who doesn’t mind being sweaty, light-headed or those who have more courage than this pampered, Bliss Spa (Elizabeth Arden in a pinch) going New Yorker.